


the phrases that keep it all going

by eustassya



Category: Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 10 years of SteveTony, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Tony Angst, Unhappy Ending, i think, the steve/tony is real if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 03:17:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10585314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eustassya/pseuds/eustassya
Summary: Salvation comes in the strangest places. For Tony, it’s in the middle of destroying another copy of the SHRA, in Arizona, right as he’s keying in the passwords. The reality gem… appears. There’s no other way to put it, really. One moment it’s not there, the next - poof. Tony really, really hates magic. But he takes it, of course, because who wouldn’t want the power to change… everything? And anyway, Osborn’s definitely going to track him here soon, and the reality gem definitely cannot fall into the Green Goblin’s hands.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For anon, who gave the prompt : "Be careful what you wish for" on the 10yearsofstevetony livejournal post.
> 
> Possible warnings : mention of suicidal thoughts, mention of alcoholism, canon temporary major character death.  
> Tell me if I missed anything, thanks.
> 
> And yes, Richard Siken titles, because I am trash for his poetry + Tony Stark :^)

When Tony wakes, he knows he’s dreaming again. It’s his past and future, flashing before him. Captain America, holding the shield up high, about to kill him. Pepper in a suit of armor. Happy Hogan, dead. Jan, oh god, Jan. Norman Osborn. The world, burning and burning and burning, and he has to stop it somehow, has to-

 

Tony jerks awake with a ragged inhale, Steve’s name on his lips.

 

It didn’t happen. It never did. He knows that in his head, but a visceral part of him can’t seem to let go. Some days, he finds himself coming up with new armor specs. Some days, he finds himself wandering through the streets of Brooklyn, past the street where Steve’s apartment used to be. He never goes down the street. He doesn’t want to know if Steve still lives there, if Steve still remembers him, if Steve’s gotten hitched with some nice lady who can give him his perfect 2.5 children. Some days, he finds himself dreaming about the life he erased from everyone’s reality. Some days, he finds himself dreaming about Steve.

 

Tony gets up, out of bed, shuffles to the bathroom. The holographic clock by his bed blinks up at him as he passes, blue numbers cold in the dark room. 00:14. He washes his face, brushes his teeth. Shaves. Rubs moisturiser into his skin. He sheds his silky red robe, tugs on a pair of sweatpants and a black tank top. It’s cold. He goes to the workshop.

 

He starts up the lab’s systems, flicks through the news and the latest car design schematics, re-arranges his tools on the table. An article on a new movie about spider-themed superheroes comes up, and he bites back the stab of pain at the memory of Peter, his lame jokes and homemade tech. Strange had said there would be consequences, but he hadn’t realised how much said consequences would affect him. It has to have been worth it, though. After all the anguish and suffering they’ve been through - his friends deserve to have a normal life again. Not that they have much of a choice, after what he’s done. If any of them were here, someone would point out that he’s playing god by doing this, but none of them are here, so Tony can convince himself that this is all for the best. He always was good at that.

 

It wasn’t always this way, of course. Once upon a time, he was a superhero. Once upon a time, the Avengers lived in his mansion. Once upon a time, he’d been friends with Steve. Now, the only things he retains are his childhood Captain America comics and merchandise. He almost misses having people around. Pepper and Happy and Jarvis still exist, of course. But they don’t remember anything in the past ten years, nothing of the superhero teams, or his alter-ego, or any of the people they knew. Janet van Dyne’s spring line, Avenge, looks oddly similar to the costumes they used to wear, but no one comments on it, and no one sees the link. That is, or course, understandable. He did completely remove the existence of all superheroes, after all.

 

_ It wasn’t always this way, of course. Once upon a time, he was loved. Celebrated. Once upon a time, people looked up to him. Once upon a time, Steve was alive. Steve, who embodied all that was good and right. Steve, who glowed golden like the sun. Steve, who had bled out on the courthouse steps, whose funeral he’d broken down at, whose memory he could not hold nor erase. _

 

_ Now, this is how it goes : Norman Osborn is caught on film, saving the world. H.A.M.M.E.R. is created. Everyone on the new Avengers team (he’s calling them the Thunderbolts, god, and Tony wants to puke) is a supervillain. Doctor Doom, Madame Masque, even Loki. Osborn wants a list. The superhero community goes into hiding. And Tony is tired, so very tired of being the scapegoat here. “Tony Stark Responsible For Alien Skrull Invasion,” the headlines scream, and the public eats it up. “Tony Stark - World’s Most Wanted,” Osborn says, and Tony runs. _

 

_ He’s tired of Civil Wars; he’s tired of saving the world over and over, only to be suspected of treason, of corruption, et cetera et cetera et cetera; he’s tired of scrambling to help, only to lose others’ lives; he’s tired of fighting and fighting and fighting. He’s tired of being Iron Man. He’s been tired of being Tony Stark for so long, now. He’s tired of superheroing. He’s tired of superheroes. And the world is, too. _

 

_ So you can’t blame him for doing it, when the chance to fix everything shows up. _

 

_ Salvation comes in the strangest places. For Tony, it’s in the middle of destroying another copy of the SHRA, in Arizona, right as he’s keying in the passwords. The reality gem… appears. There’s no other way to put it, really. One moment it’s not there, the next - poof. Tony really, really hates magic. But he takes it, of course, because who wouldn’t want the power to change… everything? And anyway, Osborn’s definitely going to track him here soon, and the reality gem definitely cannot fall into the Green Goblin’s hands. _

 

_ So he takes the gem. No big deal. _

 

_ Then, he looks for Stephen Strange. _

 

_ “You’re mad,” is what Stephen says. “Do you even realise what you’re saying? Tony,” the sorcerer places a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. His voice softens, in pity or sympathy, Tony doesn’t want to know. “I know you’re still… mourning, over Rogers, but…” He shakes his head. “This is ridiculous, even for you.” _

 

_ “I mean, re-writing reality? You know there’ll be consequences.” Tony doesn’t know what to say to that. It’s true that Steve’s… death, triggered all of this, but his mind is clear, damn it! He knows what he’s doing. He’s thought it out already, how it would work. Reality is like code, and coding is what Tony Stark knows best. If he can programme the world’s most complicated computer, he can rewrite reality. There’s nothing to suggest he can’t. _

 

_ His only problem, then, is : can he bring himself to do it? _

 

_ Stephen takes his silence for the danger it is. “Here, come on, I’ll keep it safe for you until we can decide what to do with it, okay? I’ll get Wong to make you some coffee.” Tony’s starting to think he should have asked Reed for advice instead, but Reed’s with Sue now, and he really doesn’t want to intrude on that, not when he’s already done so much to break their marriage, and their family. He just wants to fix all of this, once and for all. He gives Stephen the gem. Stephen makes some complicated hand movements and disappears into another plane of existence. _

 

_ If he can rewrite reality, can he rewrite himself? His past? Can he write it so Obie never betrayed him, rewrite it so he was a good person from the start? Can he rewrite his dad, his mom, can he rewrite the fact that he doesn’t have a drop of Stark blood in him? Can he write his alcoholism away? Can he re-do everything that he’s hated about himself for so long? _

 

_ He finds himself pacing beside Stephen’s desk, the fancy redwood one in front of the glowing windows. Yellowed parchment paper, curled at the edges and covered in unfamiliar script, fan out on the desk in disarray. A bottle of ink sits in a space that feels like a corner but isn’t. Two leather-bound books, neatly stacked,  _ _ sit  _ _ atop a thick deck of paper. His coffee sits, untouched, beside them. Tony can feel the heat from outside of the windows, bathing his skin in a warm glow. He can’t stop thinking about it. About the Reality Gem. About bringing Steve back. About the existence of superheroes and supervillains. _

 

_ It’s a vicious cycle - the more superheroes appear, the more supervillains do. Tony’s a businessman, he understands consumerism. Where there’s a demand, there will be production. Where the superheroes go, the supervillains follow. The solution is simple. No more superheroes. _

 

_ If Steve were here, he’d say something like : it’s the grief talking, Shellhead, you know you won’t do it. But Steve isn’t here, and Tony’s not as good a man he as he thought. Wong shuffles in, spares him a cursory, disdainful glance, shuffles out. Probably looking for Stephen. Probably making sure he hasn’t run off with some magical item or other. Like the Reality Gem, or something. God, Tony hates magic. _

 

_ When Stephen returns an hour later, it’s to an empty room, cold coffee still untouched. A single note is stuck to the coffee mug, reading : “ i’m sorry, Stephen. But I have to do it. “ The gem he’d passed to Stephen was a very well-crafted fake. But, of course, Tony knew that. “Damn it, Tony.” He sat heavily on his suede-cushioned chair, picking up the coffee and taking a sip. Cold. Ugh. He sent out a call to Tony, fully expecting FRIDAY to apologise and re-direct his call. _

 

_ Surprise surprise, the man himself picks up. _

 

_ “I’m sorry, Stephen. But it’ll be good for everyone,” is the only thing he says. _

 

_ And Stephen gets it, he really does, but everything has a price and  _ that,  _ he knows all too well. _

 

_ “You’re rewriting reality for the existence of a single person.” _

 

_ “Well, when you put it like that, it just sounds wrong.” _

 

_ “Don’t do something you’ll regret, Tony.” _

 

_ Then the call disconnects. _

 

_ Tony is in the suit when the call comes through, reality safely deposited in a compartment of his armor’s left forearm. He’s going back to where it all started - the dry, scorching deserts of Afghanistan. He knows, more than anyone else, that this is a selfish thing to do. Rewriting reality for the existence of a single person does, in fact, sound wrong, when you put it like that. The trust Stephen is placing in him and his  _ _ decision-making _ _ is gratifying, but he’s afraid he’s going to have to disappoint. Then again, it’s not as if he’s not used to disappointing people. _

 

_ There’s something almost ironic about undoing everything at the place where it started, Tony thinks. He jets over rocky, sparsely  _ _ shrubbed _ _ mountains, over miles and miles of nothing but shifting sand dunes, over tiny villages and sparkling blue oases. He digs up the exact coordinates on the way there, flicks quickly over his (quite long and detailed, he notes) personal files, pinpoints the exact date and moment he turned from Tony Stark, billionaire playboy, into Iron Man, superhero. _

 

_ In the cave, time hadn’t been a factor. He’d had a hole in his sternum, his heart powered by a battery, and the only things he knew were the hours between meals and when to go to sleep. Days had been marked by periods of sleep; time had been marked by the change of guards and the scrape of the flap where food was pushed into the cave. After the… incident, he hadn’t bothered to check the location or time or date of his rescue. It wasn’t a topic he particularly wanted to think or talk about. Now, though, he glances upon the information, gruesome and detailed as it is, and that’s all he sees - information. _

 

_ There is no fear, no triggered memory, when he lands at the now-unfamiliar mouth of the cave. There is no flashback. No old ghosts come back to haunt him. Just him, the sky, the swirling desert around him, and the cave. It’s almost as if, at the end of it all, he’s finally found his peace. (He’s kidding. Tony Stark doesn’t deserve peace.) The reality gem’s secret pocket hisses open. He takes it into his now-unarmored right hand. _

 

_ On the flight here, he’d wondered how to use the reality gem. Did you just hold it in your hand and… will things to be? Or was there some sort of procedure? “These things should really come with a manual,” he’d joked to FRIDAY, only to receive stony silence. If there was one way for an A.I. to be disapproving, this was it. Seems like everyone’s disappointed in him, lately. _

 

_ But Steve is worth every sacrifice, even if it means Tony has to lose everything. Especially if it means Tony has to lose everything. _

 

_ Now, here in the middle of the desert, he steps out of the armor. He hasn’t been out of it in a long time, it seems. It feels like a breath of fresh air, even though the heat is sweltering. His body feels lighter, like all the weight of the past year has been taken off his shoulders. Maybe it has. Maybe it will be. It’s now or never, he thinks as he holds the gem up to his face to look at it closely. _

 

_ “I want to fix everything,” he says to it, as if it can hear him. If he imagines hard enough, maybe it can. _

 

_ Surrounded by nothing but sand and wind and the clear, azure sky, Tony Stark closes his eyes and grips an infinity gem tight in his hand, and just like that : reality is changed. _

 

He has an email from Pepper (surprising, he’d expected more), two from Resilient R&D, one from a General Nicholas Fury, concerning the technology he’d created to escape from the terrorists in Afghanistan. He deletes the one from Nick. He knows what it’ll say : Iron Man. And he doesn’t want that, doesn’t do that anymore. Tony Stark retired from being Iron Man ten years in the future. He opens the email from Pepper.

  
  


From    : Pepper Potts < [ p.potts@resilient.org ](mailto:p.potts@s.resilient.org) >

To        : Tony Stark < [ a.e.stark@resilient.org ](mailto:a.e.stark@resilient.org) >

Subject : Did you trash the company without me knowing again?

 

_ Tony, _

 

_ I know you never read your personal emails, so as CEO of your company, I demand an explanation. What is this I hear about your sudden forage into sobriety? I must say I am most pleased, especially since you’ve been out of sorts lately and we were all afraid you’d turn to the bottle but you didn’t. Now, I’m mostly concerned. To be honest, you’ve been pretty jumpy and withdrawn lately. Is something happening that I don’t know about? Did you have a repeat of summer ‘04, or something? Because this behavior is completely unexpected. Please get back to me ASAP. I’m worried about you. _

  
  


_ Cheers, _

_ Pepper Potts _

_ CEO, Resilient Industries _

  
  


Ah, Pepper. Ever the observant one, especially when it comes to her wayward, trouble-making ex-employer. Current friend? Tony has been acting differently, that much is true. If by ‘acting differently’ you mean not drinking, and instead wallowing in self-pity through overworking. Oh yes, he is well aware of his own self-destructive habits, has been aware of them for the past next past ten years. But he’s been clean for so long  He doesn’t know what to say to her. Who wouldn’t be out of sorts after being single-handedly responsible for the almost-destruction of the world, he thinks, bitter. After Captain America himself condemns you? (But Captain America doesn’t exist, not anymore. He never existed. He died ten years in the future, didn’t he?)

 

What is he going to tell Pepper? That he’s drowning himself in work because he fucked up, but fixed it, but the price was too high for him to handle? I’ll take Unbelivable Things for 200, Alex. He’s just so tired. At least Osborn isn’t leader of the free world and also chasing him down anymore. God, that was probably the worst point of his life. Is? Will be? How does one refer to past events in the future that one has erased, he thinks giddily.

 

"J?” he calls out into the lab. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe he managed to get JARVIS back. The memories overlap, and some days he says ‘FRIDAY’, and JARVIS gets confused. But he’s figured it out, somehow. Not completely, but J knows something happened while he wasn’t there, while Tony was out of reach. It doesn’t matter that Tony hasn’t been out of contact with JARVIS ever since Afghanistan. His A.I.s have always been good like that.

 

“Yes, sir?” The familiar British voice is soothing today, not triggering any flashbacks (flashforwards?) of his… destruction.

 

“Write a reply to Pepper.”

  
  


From    : Tony Stark < [ a.e.stark@resilient.org ](mailto:a.e.stark@resilient.org) >

To        : Pepper Potts < [ p.potts@resilient.org ](mailto:p.potts@resilient.org) >

Subject : Re: Did you trash the company without me knowing again?

 

_ Pepper, darling, sweetheart, light of my life, _

 

_ I would never trash the company after all of that, I promised! Can’t a guy decide to quit drinking just because?  _ _ Because I had a breakdown and my alcoholism went from casual to debilitating and Captain America had to save me from a burning building because I was too drunk to _ _ I’m not getting any younger, you know. Last thing I’d want to die of is liver cirrhosis.  _ _ There are worse ways to die, but then there are also worse ways to live. I don’t want to li _ _ Also, we agreed never to speak of summer ‘04 again! Nothing bad is happening. I’m just tired of being dependent on alcohol. Stop worrying. _

  
  


_ Regards, _

_ Anthony Edward Stark _

_ Head of Research and Development, Resilient Industries _

  
  


He takes a long pull of his coffee. The mug he’s using is the same as it’s always been - the yellow one with the black cat. It’s been with him for so long, through so much. And it’s a stupid thing, to get attached to, to a cup of all things, but it’s all he has left of his old life on the Avengers. It’s like what Yinsen told him once, he’s a man who has everything and nothing.

 

Has he wasted his life, doing what he did?

 

Tony doesn’t know. He doesn’t really want to think about it.

 

Instead, he opens up the emails from R&D and looks through the schematics they’ve sent. There’s a new idea for body armor involving a certain polymer, and he’s gotten Parker to work on it. Davis Parker is a blessing to R&D, and she has the bright-eyed intelligence that had drawn Tony to Peter. Everything and everyone reminds him of Peter, these days. The other Avengers, too, but mostly Peter. Maybe it’s because he’d glimpsed another chance in the boy, and he’d busted it, and now Spider-man doesn’t exist, and Peter Parker is a straight As student in high school, on his way to a bright future. So now Tony’s here, alone in his lab, clutching at the broken straws of his old reality. He can’t stop thinking about it, about  _ them _ .

 

It’s like his own personal hell - reliving the memories every night, every time something reminds him of his past life. He doesn’t use the reality gem again. So many people died because of him.  _ Steve _ died because of him. This is his punishment, and he deserves to suffer this way, and he accepts it.

  
He won’t drink to escape the pain. There’s no escape. Not for people like him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading; I hoped you enjoyed my trash. Comments, prompts and kudos are always welcome.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr on my blog : [eustassya](https://eustassya.tumblr.com)


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